My mother is my Kryptonite

In this respect I am Sheldon Cooper. My mother is my Kryptonite. She has powers over me that no one else has. Sometimes I am resentful of that. She can make me do things no one else can make me do (I suspect (and not in a bad way) that is because no one else is prepared see me upset as much as she is prepared to see me upset). I find this kind of relationship very challenging and I am only just finding ways to feel safe about it. Its hard to admit that because I can apply a kind of 'matrix of good parenting' to my parents and I can see how they tick all the boxes. Sometimes I make such sensible choices and am so very responsible that it must seem to other people that when I make 'senseless choices' (like not to open my mail) I am just being difficult and that I am making a choice to be so. Some people think the solution is to tell me to 'just do it'. Or they think that I will learn from any hardship that results from my difficult choice. But I don't seem to. Telling me to 'just open' the mail doesn't result in the mail being opened. Telling me I have to invoice people when I do a job or I won't get paid doesn't make me send invoices. Many of the aspies I know have a few similar quirks (can't wear certain colours, can't say certain words, can't walk past certain objects, can't accept gifts, can't throw stuff out, can't open mail, can't post mail, can't answer phone, can't make phone calls - these are just examples I've come across but I'd love to hear of other resistances that are a bit unusual) Lots of us have people in our lives who truly believe that the solution is to find a way to make us 'face our fear'. Im starting to think that this makes it worse. I have spent my whole life working really hard and not getting paid properly because I can't invoice people. If I put myself through hell and allow the rest of my life to become manic then at best I can invoice maybe 50% of my clients. I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on 'learning to overcome the issue'. Nothing has worked. I have some theories about why (eg I've noticed that most resistances do seem tied up with sensory issues or central processing issues relating to order etc) but Im so exhausted from trying to manage the impacts of working full time and only getting paid for half the work I do that it just doesn't matter any more. I just want it to end. Last year my Mum realised (after 40 years of thinking that eventually I would be able to manage this stuff) that the simplest solution is to send the invoices for me. I don't remember ever having been more relieved in my life. Im so stressed out just thinking about this Im going to stop typing now and go and build a turtle pond - gardening is a verb.

In the moment

I see very clearly that there is an important role for people living with ASD to try and articulate their process as much as possible.  In the moment I often come across as very critical of people or situations. I think thats because I like puzzles. So in every situation I see a puzzle and more puzzles within it. And in trying to solve the puzzles I am looking for the pieces that don't fit, in order to reconcile all of the other pieces, building bridges in my mind. As a kid, I could never understand why people thought I was arguing all the time. In my mind I wasn't having an argument at all, I was just stating the facts. The fact that the other person didn't understand the facts was disturbing to me. As an adult I have learnt to observe other people and even at times pretend that it doesn't matter to me when someone doesn't understand the facts. Im also a bit more able to understand the rules behind the mechanics of conversation. I speak: you speak: I speak : you speak and try and remember to show them you are listening. ("Good listeners don't say "I already know that". Good listeners make eye contact. Good listeners don't interrupt. Good listeners don't talk too long when it's their turn") Here's a tip that Tony Roberts taught me during the many long hours I spent sitting in his front room practicing that kind of stuff. If you look at someone's nose or just above their nose between their eyebrows, they don't know you aren't looking in their eyes. Try it. It works.    

Meltdowns

I understand that non-aspies people find aspie meltdowns very challenging. I wish people understood what it is like for us. Even now, I live in fear of having a meltdown. As a child it was worse. Non-aspies seem to focus on 'managing' the 'behaviour' and I do get why you want to do this. But the first thing the parents / carers / teachers of aspies need to accept is that meltdowns happen. They might always happen. And they happen to us even though you may feel like it is something we are 'doing' to you. That is not the case. It is something awful, frightening and horrible that is happening to us and we cant always stop it no matter how hard we try. In a similar way (I imagine) that a person with epilepsy can't stop themselves from having a fit and I guess if I had epilepsy I would live in fear of having fits. But I have aspergers and I live in fear of meltdowns. I am often faced with parents who are trying to understand the meltdowns that their child has. If you are one of those parents / carers / teachers then here's what I want you to think about... Meltdowns are like nightmares that happen in the day time. If you were faced with a child who is having a nightmare, you would not storm into their room and yell at them or tell them off or suggest that they are behaving badly. You would not withdraw affection until they apologise. You would help them and comfort them would you not? So this is what we need you to do for us. And yes, I understand that its scary for you too. Because you can't control it. We can't either. (And Im not saying that its pointless to look for preventative solutions or moderating strategies.) Most of us (even 6 year olds) will describe a meltdown in the same way, eg 'information overload', 'brain freeze', 'brain crash', 'too much coming in' or words to that effect. So even though the stimulus or the triggers may be different the end result is the same. Like cars, Asperger's comes in many makes, models and colours ... but no matter what make, model or colour the car is ... it can still crash. And you might not be able to stop the car from crashing but you can take steps to minimise the impact. If you have an Aspie in your life try talking to them about their meltdowns. Assume that a meltdown is going to happen. Make it ok to talk about. Make a plan before hand about how you can help them. Talk it over with them. Even kids as young as 5 or 6 will talk about this as long as you make it safe for them to do so. Often what we need from you is the opposite to what we are saying. We might be telling you to leave us alone. We might be crying and swearing or even smacking ourselves. We might be defensive of our personal space. But if we have a management plan it can really help. My management plan is pretty simple but quite specific. If I am having a meltdown, my partner knows that I don't want to be left alone even if I am screaming 'leave me alone'. The next step is that I need quite a firm and restraining hug. I will sometimes resist this. Then my partner will say 'everything is going to be ok'. Of course I may respond that 'its not ok' or words to that effect. But generally this procedure stops the meldown. What works for me wont work for everyone but Im happy to answer questions if anyone does actually read this.